Comment by parpfish

Comment by parpfish 7 days ago

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i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues.

unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).

couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.

it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.

JimmyBuckets 7 days ago

I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this is from people that love me and are trying to support.

Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just soul-crushing.

Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much relief.

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  • partner_privacy 7 days ago

    I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities.

    I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

    I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping.

    I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help.

    [1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries.

    [2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

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    • mmooss 7 days ago

      > I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

      (Caveat: I have experience with people who have other conditions, but not with someone who has BPD.)

      Look at the other messages here: What do people need? To be seen. To not carry the burden by ourselves. That is what your significant other needs. See them, be interested in them, be curious about them - just for their sake, as they are, as if they were valuable and lovable and important as they are. Give them space to talk, without any resistance at all from you; wrap your arms around them, physically or emotionally, and let them be and talk.

      Leave yourself and your ideas out of it, way out of it. As a crass comparison, it's a bit like looking at a painting or reading a book that you love - you dive into it, you leave yourself behind, you want to know more about the author, the characters, what they mean, what they are thinking ... they have nothing to do with you.

      Problem solving is a much different mode - those are your ideas. That has always been my instinct and I've had to learn to leave that behind. Unless someone makes clear they want it, just listen. Your S.O. doesn't need to be right or wrong - it doesn't matter. They are just very, very lonely with their condition.

      Imagine you have a problem that is not only awful, overwhelming and terrifying, but others condemn you for it (even though there's little you can do), ostracize you for it. Even your loved ones don't want to know the truth, the reality of it - they can't handle it, amplifying your isolation and pain; they pull away. Don't pull away.

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      • partner_privacy 4 days ago

        Your words are going to stick with me. Powerful. In particular, I feel like your last paragraph is very close to what my SO is going through. Thank you.

        I have a hard time making the decision between listening mode and problem solving mode. Surely there are times when problem solving mode is helpful?

        I understand the "only when they ask for help" idea, but this specific person does not have the instinct to ask for help, which makes it difficult.

        Or when they do ask for help, it is for such general large abstract problems that I am also at a loss of how to give actionable advice.

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        • mmooss 3 days ago

          I'm glad you found it helpful. I don't know you or your SO at all, so here are some general thoughts that help me:

          > I have a hard time making the decision between listening mode and problem solving mode. Surely there are times when problem solving mode is helpful?

          All I can tell you is that everyone seems to have this thought and the endless drive to insert themselves into the conversation, and we all find endless rationalizations and opportunities and exceptions - this time is special! - that will allow it. Me too. Recognize the drive; zip it. 'No, this time is not an exception - again'; just zip it.

          It also means your attention, your thoughts, your emotion are focused on yourself, your ideas, your drive to talk, and not on your SO. That is a fundamental mistake of listening. Good listening takes your senses (visual, audial, maybe touch, etc.) to pick up what they are communicating; all your concentration (emotional on their feeling, intellectual on the words, etc.); composure (body language, etc.); emotion (they can see and sense it, of course); etc. Turn your attention away from yourself and focus it on them - like swiveling a big camera on a movie set, you are behind the camera, focused on the actors and silent now.

          > I understand the "only when they ask for help" idea, but this specific person does not have the instinct to ask for help, which makes it difficult.

          I don't know you or your SO at all, as I said, but here is a common trap: Maybe they don't ask because you already push it on them too often. They feel trapped, pressured; the last thing they want is more 'advice' - not that you have bad advice, but they need space, less pressure; they need to figure things out themselves without having your ideas fill the space, distracting their attention, and demanding responses. So they don't ask and then you see that and push more on them - a reinforcing cycle in the wrong direction.

          Start a cycle in the right direction: If you back off, give them as much space as they want without resistance (or asking - 'can I tell you now?'), eventually they will flourish, come around, open up, and feel much happier and safer, and probably ask you. It may take lots of patience - and if you are struggling with the patience, you still have a problem with your personal drive and the focus of your attention (it took a long time for that to diminish in me).

          > Or when they do ask for help, it is for such general large abstract problems that I am also at a loss of how to give actionable advice.

          Look for the emotion behind their worry, and help them find their way through that. They are lost in the woods so help them find their way through; telling them what's on the other side doesn't really help.

          I hope that helps!

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      • rectang 7 days ago

        > What do people need?

        People need money. Being a caregiver is financially devastating because those who need the care often exceed their means, and society expects caregivers to pick up the tab. We've emphasized quantity of life over quality of life; that diminished quality of life often comes not only in the form of physical and emotional suffering, but also impoverishment.

        And in the US, caregiving about to get even more financially devastating as the ACA is either repealed or gutted.

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        • mmooss 7 days ago

          Harris said she would fund caregiving, I think through Medicare.

          > People need money.

          They need other things too.

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      • hunter-gatherer 7 days ago

        I don't know... My older brother took the exact approach you just outlined with his SO, and he did it with more sincerity and compassion than anyone I know. She has a handful of illnesses and it has completely wrecked his life to the point that he might as well be dead. He isn't the person I grew up with. In a lot of ways, he already is dead, and it sucks really bad. He no longer is the compassionate person I knew. He doesn't have control of his own physical health anymore. He has no friends. It is a terrible situation. My point is that if it looks like beinf supportive is going to wreck your life too, maybe it's not worth it, especially when you're young.

        Before everyone downvotes me and has a knee jerk reaction, consider that I have told you next to nothing of the entire situation, so you'll be responding to something you know nothing about.

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    • tdeck 7 days ago

      > but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.

      I have no special psychology experience but this feels like a red flag to me. Guilt is not a good foundation for building a lifelong relationship with someone. You deserve a partner that supports your needs as well. There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.

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      • partner_privacy 4 days ago

        I appreciate your concern. I recognize it's not a great situation. However I'm not really sure it's helpful to put it in terms of flags. Maybe I'm missing your point.

        I'm not really trying to build a relationship out of guilt. I'm already in this relationship (whether romantic or other doesn't really matter).

        Also I don't understand this part:

        > There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.

        If you allow me to strawman you for a second, you are saying to cut contact with them and instead volunteer with a non-profit organization? I feel like I must have misunderstood you, so please correct me.

        For what it's worth, they do support my needs as well. No complaints there. They are actually amazingly considerate and supportive given their situation.

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    • JimmyBuckets 7 days ago

      Me and my wife were long distance too, through the worst of it, and during covid (Brazil to Europe).

      There's certainly advice I can give , or at least experience I can share. It's a pity we can't message on this platform so if you want to send me an email to flatnailedfeatherlessbiped@proton.me, we can chat there

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      • partner_privacy 4 days ago

        > It's a pity we can't message on this platform

        I was thinking the same in relation to your original comment.

        I'll send an email your way, thank you for sharing it.

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    • willcipriano 7 days ago

      [flagged]

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      • JimmyBuckets 7 days ago

        You are deeply wrong here. And this is recklessly dangerous advice to give here with so little information on their situation. You should delete your comment.

        I'm sorry you didn't manage to fix your situation but you can't generalize this. BPD is a complex, varied mental illness that does respond well when treatment is pursued (e.g. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6007584/).

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  • willcipriano 7 days ago

    I'm in the same situation. She refuses any treatment.

    I learned too late that mental illness may be a reason but it's never an excuse for behavior.

    Make sure you keep your cup (and your childrens if applicable) full before you do anything to fill hers. Otherwise you will wake up one day miserable, fat and poor.

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    • MobileVet 7 days ago

      I am so sorry. I see you. My wife is bipolar, HSP, ADHD… it’s called severe mental illness for a reason.

      I was eating blue pills for 20 years. I finally took the red pill and realized it wasn’t going to change, we weren’t going to find a magic cocktail, she isn’t going to find stability. Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with no option c. It is miserable.

      The airlines have it right, ‘Put on your mask first.’ If you are hypoxic , you can’t help anyone. Care giving is all about self care.

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      • willcipriano 7 days ago

        Lucky I only ate the blue pills for ten so I'm 35 and have a chance to turn my life around.

        The advice for men that you often see essentially boils down to, "work harder to make her happy" that doesn't work for mental illness, in my case it made her more entitled, adulterous and rude.

        I need to save up money to defend myself against her lies, document her mental illness so I can prove to the court she isn't a fit mother and get me and my kid out of here. It's a long road but I'll get there eventually.

        I hope you get there as well.

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ChrisMarshallNY 7 days ago

Can relate.

I made a comment about that, a couple of minutes ago.

I live in NY, and we have very good support for treatment. I have a friend whose daughter was mentally ill, and lived in NM. It was very bad.

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