Comment by 29athrowaway

Comment by 29athrowaway 9 days ago

The guy clearly is an underperformer that knows he cannot win through merit and instead wants to win by playing dirty.

Do not reward aggression towards you with attention and empathy.

You have to stay away from such people. The guy is likely someone with behavioral issues, bad personality traits and the undermining/sabotage could be a sign of a low skill workplace psychopath trying to manipulate and create a psychopathic fiction. You are not a therapist and it is not your job to fix that person.

When fire has nothing else to burn it consumes itself. Just don't add more fuel to the fire. Don't let that person be in your head, drain your energy. Do not ruminate about interactions with this person. Practice mental hygiene and focus on what's important: collaboration, your actual job, your goals, your friends and family, or something you can contribute in any way...

jmkni 9 days ago

There isn't nearly enough information in OP's post to draw that conclusion.

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collingreen 9 days ago

I disagree - years of behavior pattern plus other people leaving for exactly the same reason is plenty of information.
In your eyes what WOULD be nearly enough information to draw that conclusion?

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cwmoore 9 days ago

“Do not reward aggression towards you with attention and empathy.”

Source?

I really dislike this style of framing.

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29athrowaway 9 days ago

Why would you let yourself be drained of your energy by someone who is determined to undermine your role and create a precedent that you can be disrespected without consequences? Not only having to tolerate the person but giving them your time and attention? Using your energy that would otherwise be meant to do your job efficiently, advance your career and meet expectations outside of work with your family and friends, etc.
If someone wants to play a different game, let them play alone. It must be clear that the game is collaborating towards a common goal, and if you want to play a different one then you will be playing alone.
We are a band, we are all playing an instrument for the same song requested by a customer, and if you want to play another song I won't start playing the notes of your song that nobody requested.
You can be kind to others, but you also have to be kind to yourself, your employer, and have respect for your profession and the sacrifice others have made to help you attain the position you have.

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- theultdev 9 days ago
  
  "kill them with kindness"
  it's very effective in a lot of cases, with no downside.
  best case scenario, they were unaware and re-adjust how they talk to you.
  worst case scenario, you know they are just being an asshole and you can go back to hating them.
  If it all fails, my go to is patronizing kindness to taunt. Much better than complaining or arguing.
  
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  29athrowaway 9 days ago
  
  Some toxic people can be good at provocation, victimization and distorting situations. An attempt to improve things over a cup of coffee can be distorted as rumors, slander, harassment, intimidation, threats, etc.
  A person that reached adulthood while being toxic throughout their life is probably competent at it at this point. While you were focused in acquiring your skills, they were probably getting better at being toxic. So you are probably not prepared for a direct confrontation with a veteran sabotaging jerk. Do not play a game you have never practiced as the away team because you are probably not going to win.
  The more you have advanced your career, the more you have to lose while engaging someone. And in this case you have not much to win, against a person that has less than you to lose. Just using up your time and distracting you from your job is a win for a saboteur.
  Anything you say can be held against you, so unless you've talked to a workplace attorney better stay out of it. If the situation is affecting you psychologically then engaging the person can affect you even more. Seek therapy if that helps, or channel your frustration through physical activity.
  The best you can do is to limit your interactions to the professional level, and limit the topics to what he is working on. Everything else is your business and not his and you can seek additional collaboration at your discretion.
  
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- cwmoore 8 days ago
  
  What is the name of this philosophy you espouse? I am assuming it exists because you seem deeply committed.
  Seems to apply simple, clear, and rigid moral determinations to a soft and very complex subject.
  
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  29athrowaway 8 days ago
  
  - You cannot control others, only how you respond and what you allow into your life (Stoicism)
  - You can be kind, but you also have to be kind to yourself (psychology)
  - Collaboration works only when participants share goals (game theory)
  - Everyone contributes to one shared output (systems thinking)
  - Respecting your profession and honoring the effort that got you to your position (Aristotelian and Confucian role ethics)
  - Success comes from discipline, self-restraint and honoring your responsibilities (meritocratic work ethic)
  - Identity (and therefore respect) is not reducible to your role, position, recognition, skill level, or socioeconomic status (Eastern philosophy)
  
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smus 8 days ago

What source can you possibly be looking for lmao

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- cwmoore 8 days ago
  
  Yes: haha. Seems like an arbitrary rule stated unambiguously enough that it ought to have a factual basis. But I don’t think it does.
  I think it’s an emptily authoritative and somehow acceptable heuristic that works for some and not others.
  
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