Comment by 29athrowaway

Comment by 29athrowaway 9 days ago

Why would you let yourself be drained of your energy by someone who is determined to undermine your role and create a precedent that you can be disrespected without consequences? Not only having to tolerate the person but giving them your time and attention? Using your energy that would otherwise be meant to do your job efficiently, advance your career and meet expectations outside of work with your family and friends, etc.

If someone wants to play a different game, let them play alone. It must be clear that the game is collaborating towards a common goal, and if you want to play a different one then you will be playing alone.

We are a band, we are all playing an instrument for the same song requested by a customer, and if you want to play another song I won't start playing the notes of your song that nobody requested.

You can be kind to others, but you also have to be kind to yourself, your employer, and have respect for your profession and the sacrifice others have made to help you attain the position you have.

theultdev 9 days ago

"kill them with kindness"

it's very effective in a lot of cases, with no downside.

best case scenario, they were unaware and re-adjust how they talk to you.

worst case scenario, you know they are just being an asshole and you can go back to hating them.

If it all fails, my go to is patronizing kindness to taunt. Much better than complaining or arguing.

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29athrowaway 9 days ago

Some toxic people can be good at provocation, victimization and distorting situations. An attempt to improve things over a cup of coffee can be distorted as rumors, slander, harassment, intimidation, threats, etc.
A person that reached adulthood while being toxic throughout their life is probably competent at it at this point. While you were focused in acquiring your skills, they were probably getting better at being toxic. So you are probably not prepared for a direct confrontation with a veteran sabotaging jerk. Do not play a game you have never practiced as the away team because you are probably not going to win.
The more you have advanced your career, the more you have to lose while engaging someone. And in this case you have not much to win, against a person that has less than you to lose. Just using up your time and distracting you from your job is a win for a saboteur.
Anything you say can be held against you, so unless you've talked to a workplace attorney better stay out of it. If the situation is affecting you psychologically then engaging the person can affect you even more. Seek therapy if that helps, or channel your frustration through physical activity.
The best you can do is to limit your interactions to the professional level, and limit the topics to what he is working on. Everything else is your business and not his and you can seek additional collaboration at your discretion.

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- jmkni 9 days ago
  
  Honestly, you come across as quite negative yourself.
  There's a saying, "If everywhere you go smells like shit, maybe it’s time to check your shoes"
  
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  29athrowaway 9 days ago
  
  I try as much as possible to stay out of politics and believe in merit. If someone advances their career through merit, I will be the first to celebrate with them.
  But at the same time, I do not believe in the power of "let's have a coffee" in a situation like this. There are core beliefs that a cup of coffee will not change.
  If someone believes in playing dirty, believes in that basic respect is earned not given, and other rotten beliefs... that person was a bad hire, and needs to have an expedited firing.
  
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cwmoore 8 days ago

What is the name of this philosophy you espouse? I am assuming it exists because you seem deeply committed.

Seems to apply simple, clear, and rigid moral determinations to a soft and very complex subject.

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29athrowaway 8 days ago

- You cannot control others, only how you respond and what you allow into your life (Stoicism)
- You can be kind, but you also have to be kind to yourself (psychology)
- Collaboration works only when participants share goals (game theory)
- Everyone contributes to one shared output (systems thinking)
- Respecting your profession and honoring the effort that got you to your position (Aristotelian and Confucian role ethics)
- Success comes from discipline, self-restraint and honoring your responsibilities (meritocratic work ethic)
- Identity (and therefore respect) is not reducible to your role, position, recognition, skill level, or socioeconomic status (Eastern philosophy)

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- cwmoore 8 days ago
  
  I see, so would “self-assured syncretism” be unfair?
  As such, is the definite certainty justifiable or more of a personality choice?
  Not picking on you, exactly, trying to find why I’ve been hearing this kind of language used so confidently among more or less equal peers, and what it’s actually doing for people.
  
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  29athrowaway 8 days ago
  
  Cunningham's Law: "The best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer."
  If I am wrong, someone will point it out and I will have learned something new in the process.
  
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  cwmoore 8 days ago
  
  That was rewarding, thanks for the chat.
  
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