Comment by yu3zhou4 6 days ago
Being able to spontaneously speak with people and slow thinking. I am ok at writing with people, because it gives me time to think and refine my message. But I really suck at live events and talking to people in real life. Did anyone overcome it? And how?
For me, it was a skill issue.Most people learn it when very young. Just repeated practice helped... and someone close to me coached me on things that seemed common sense to others, but were counterintuitive to me. But over time, my neurons rewired themselves. I'm fairly good at small talk now. People dont believe me when I say I couldn't even order pizza over the phone at one point.
Are you young enough to have grown up in a house without a land line by chance?
I think land lines are where many current adults (who grew up before cell phones were ubiquitous) learned a lot of that common sense, because in order to get in touch with anyone you had to be willing and able to make small talk with whoever picked up the phone first - chatty mothers, asshole brothers, mostly-deaf grandfathers, etc.
The French have a term for this, "the wit of the staircase" where one doesn't think of the clever rejoinder until heading upstairs to bed later that evening.
I've found asking folks about themselves, trying to get their story works best as a start, then if they reciprocate, things should flow naturally from there.
> But I really suck at live events and talking to people in real life. Did anyone overcome it? And how?
Yes. This is a learned skill.
Start by leaving your house every day and don't come home until you talk to 10 people you don't know. Do this every day for a month.
And yes, I did this.
Seriously, make it a habit to say “Good morning” or “Good evening” with a warm smile the first time you make eye contact with another guest at a hotel, whether it’s during check-in or at breakfast. This is especially important if you’re staying more than a few days. Once you’ve crossed paths with someone three times without saying a word, starting a conversation later becomes both unlikely and a bit awkward.
Any advice you get is going to sound rudimentary, as with much of life advice. Now that I've put a disclaimer, here is what helped me the most:
When you are shy, there is sometimes the one kind person that introduces you/breaks the ice to others. You love this person because they lubricated the social interaction. I harness this feeling of being saved by pretending that everyone around me is the shy person waiting for someone to break the ice. I frame this internally as myself doing the shy others a huge favor that they'll appreciate. I want to be "that guy" that helped people feel included and involved.
I used to do this consciously. At this point, I rarely have to invoke this thought as I've now put in the reps and it's easier.
Tldr: pretend you're being a social savior and repeated practice
For very clear, very specific advice, succeedsocially.com is the best website I’ve ever seen.
Besides that, you just need practice and if applicable a bit of therapy. Practice comes with interacting with a lot of people until it seems easy. Therapy clears some of the roadblocks that might hamper you.