Comment by klann89

Hello there, hope you are doing okay. I am sorry I haven't done the ACE test, but I am neurodivergent to a small extent for sure. Sorry for the long post in advance. Since you're talking about being suicidal, let me help you out.

But before that, I will share what I can only call the most unique and unusual thing that ever happened in this world - my own life. I hope my life story will help you relate to yours to some extent so you feel better. Note: You can also connect to me and talk to me if you'd like to. We don't need to reveal any identity or information to each other in any case.

I am exactly 35 years old and there's no other point of time in my life where I felt I've understood it this well. It's like I've figured it out from top to bottom and I just need to keep the consistency and balance for the rest of my life, to fill happiness in my family and actually within myself. But none of this was achieved without extreme suffering which led me to this point.

I was a very happy child and a truly gifted one. I had no diagnosis for any conditions since I was thriving all my childhood, and I was very social and had a lot of friends. I started out as a kid who would paint and draw really at a very advanced level. There was no other kid in my entire school who was like that. I had, (and still have) an incredible memory and a very strong focus on things that I worked on. I remember that as I grew up I started seeing details in things no one around me would notice. I was very creative, and I was obsessed with a few subjects like blocks, making small buildings, building small gadgets etc. I had that "engineering" sense of things from the get-go. In the beginning I struggled to understand mathematics, but something clicked one day and I started acing it left and right. I was the school topper for more than 2 years and when I left to college, I struggled for a bit with video game addiction. Thanks to my parents and family, they shut me out and threw away all my gaming setups for the better. Immediately after that happened, my academics came back in full swing and I was back in the top ranks again.

I also developed an addiction to porn that started at age 16. I had access to internet and a lot of free time as well, so I used it to browse for more and more porn resources, and made a huge catalog of stuff. At the age of 19, intrusive thoughts kicked in to my mind out of nowhere. They quickly occupied my entire days and hurt my self-esteem to the point where I was kicking and beating myself for being a really "bad guy". Instead of letting things go, my mind kept the battle with intrusive thoughts going, and that enormous amounts of stress affected my looks and self-esteem. And then, the downfall began. Then, as things got worse, I started my first job out of college and I gave up on my mental health issues. I woke up every day to see it as an ongoing battle with my anxiety, and it only got much worse. I absolutely suffered with extremely high anxiety for two years. Frankly, I don't even know how I was still alive going through all that. I was still never diagnosed of any condition nor was aware that this sort of mental conditions actually exist and are recognized. I was always in belief that I was just a bad guy and a loser. Self-esteem took a very heavy hit. I researched and for the first time I found out it was something called OCD. And given all of my inattentiveness and social issues, I also figured out that it was ADHD. To cope up, I visited prostitutes, and engaged in risky sex with them while still in a relationship, because I wasn't getting "good sex" within the relationship. I still had a massive confidence issue at that time, and my physical health was declining. I married someone and things were never very good between me and my wife. I continued to visit prostitutes. In retrospect I should have divorced my wife, but I never thought what I was doing was such a serious thing. Frankly, I never thought I would fully "recover" from my mental issues, but I did. My newborn kid was the source of all that confidence. He truly gave me immense happiness, and it was also the time that I realized that this sort of happiness trumps any kind of sexual pleasure and things like those.

Recently, my kid was recently diagnosed with autism and it was shattering. He's doing a lot better now, and since his diagnosis ever came through, I've been a completely different man. In the early days of his diagnosis, life was very scary, and I cursed and blamed myself for giving it to him. My neurodivergence and all the stress/anxiety is most likely the reason for his diagnosis and it didn't have to be that way. I never told anyone about any of my mental health issues and my history of cheating btw. I cried in isolation for months, and was sleepless, and I was depressed, for not doing the right things in life and bringing my life, my kid's life and my wife's life to such a shape. I absolutely hated myself.

Depression took over me more, and I decided to commit suicide. I was so serious about it that my view of the world started feeling different, and I suddenly started losing the sense of "me" in this world and started looking at myself from a 3rd person perspective. It was weird. I watched documentaries and stories of people who lost others to suicide and related them to myself. I wanted to make sure my family is not hurt when I go. It went on for a couple of months. I wanted to make sure everyone around me aren't disturbed so I researched some good methods to end myself and leave behind what others, including my family could use and benefit from. I set a date and made a plan for doing it. When it came closer, my kid started inspiring me by showing promise and improvement that turned out to be a last piece of hope for me. Maybe it was a signal for me to stop, I don't know. I love my little guy and the things he does so much. There is that unwavering honesty and happiness within him that I love so much. When my dad passed away, I pledged to him that I will work hard to make sure I will teach my kids what he taught me, and to share and spread love and be happy.

I stepped back from the suicide plan, and I am doing considerably better now. My son continues to show promise, and I am trying real hard to be there for him. My marriage is in such a situation that a divorce at this time would not do my wife and my son very good, and will in turn ruin their mental health. At this time, I feel like I've become an expert in understanding myself. My extramarital sex has ended forever. Nothing can change that.

Will I tell anyone the truth about my extramarital sex stories? No. It took a long time for me to understand that because, my mental health and the extreme anxiety suffering that I spent with zero quality of life for years was already the price I paid for it. I do not need to be penalized any more. I am going to work for my wife and my kid. I am going to make sure she is happy and that he will have the utmost success in his life. And as someone who saw the pitfalls, I will stand behind him like a mountain to guide him at every stage of his life. Am I doing the right thing? yes, I am. So I am not and must not be afraid. If god kept me alive, there is a reason, and I am here to churn and squeeze out the best out of every day in the remaining part of my life. Here's to my story, that almost makes me feel like I have been born again.

@afpx, if you're considering suicide, think again, because you could say there would be nothing worse than what I've been through, in this world. And I'm still alive. Try to find and dedicate yourself for something genuine. After reading your story, it seems like your time to shine has started late. I would recommend to find some way of helping people out. There are many people in this world who want to live but are not able to, because of money and food. Do what inspires you. Maybe get your physical health and diet under control, that impacts a lot of well-being. Please reach out if you would like to and I can talk more. Thanks