You'll figure it out, sometimes doing nothing is exactly what is needed.
Look around you, lack of direction and medication/distraction is everywhere, and unfortunately suicide.
I would never judge anyone for wanting an easy out.
But I do feel its missing the point of the experience.
What is your passion? What makes you excited/happy?
I would say to hell with useful, being useful is for tools, focus on happy/excited and that will eventually lead to the right place.
Feeling that you have a role to play, a unique contribution to society that is appreciated, is not really the same thing as useful. But it's where you want to aim. And that includes figuring out what you are supposed to do, which is where joy/excitement plays an important role as a guide.
Letting other people's expectations define your life will never work, enough people have tried and failed by now.
That might be part of the trouble. I have a similar drive to always be productive. I'm not sure how to describe it other than I get depressed when I have nothing to accomplish. Maybe making generative art in itself is good enough but if you need a goal, maybe turn it into some kind of charity exercise.
Maybe go back to your appalachian roots and chop some wood or whittle some sticks. I've found it therapeutic.
This is probably one of the things that you can and should take a lot of time with. Being suicidal is not an entirely rational place, so you cannot completely rely on your own thoughts and feelings, that's why it can be so difficult to deal with. If you are a "better version of yourself" today than yesterday, or improving other people's lives even if it's just one more person's overall, you are already making a positive difference!
Yeah, I'll definitely figure it out. I'm actually a fairly positive person. It's just that the brain chemicals distort my thinking, unfortunately. I'm working on a few things, and going through exercises to retrain my brain. My main issue is lack of direction. Lately, I've been happy making generative art and building things in Blender. But, I'm not sure how to turn that into something that's useful or productive.