Comment by aristofun

Comment by aristofun 2 days ago

4 replies

As long as you are obsessed with this - you'll perpetuate the problem. The more needy you are and craving for attention the more unattractive and uninteresting you look as a person.

The only solution for these types of problems (aside of usual phychotherapy/physiology that you need to rule out first with help of professionals!) - is to genuinely stop giving a single damn whether you're alone or not.

Right after that moment you will become much much more attractive as a person. And you will release a ton of energy to focus on things that are more important (like your life goals etc).

But you can't fool yourself and pretend that you don't care while still being worried about the outcomes inside. It's not "fake it till you make it" type of inner game.

That is a key to your problem (after you solved main mommy/daddy issues if any with a decent therapist).

No amount of shallow "be yourself, be interested in others" advice will help until you have a foundation to be congruent in these tactical actions. But if you have that foundation that type of advice is mostly redundant.

ekr 2 days ago

After reading your comment, I'm left wondering. What exactly is actionable in it? How exactly does it help a person in OPs position? Apart from the part deferring to a therapist, which is more or less common knowledge in this day and age, there's nothing there thats ... helpful. Actionable.

  • stuaxo a day ago

    Its actionable by doing things for yourself, not for the purpose of meeting people.

    When I say doing things, I mean things out in the world.

    During those you might chat to people casually.

    People like people that do things and turn up, so many people do little and aren't interested in going out and turning up to things.

    Do stuff and you become more interesting.

    Mostly people talk about themselves so ask them what they do and be interested, when they ask you what you do you will have done a bunch of stuff.

    Get out there and enrich yourself with experience, make yourself too busy to be lonely.

  • aristofun 2 days ago

    > What exactly is actionable in it?

    That’s exactly the point!

    There is no _action_ towards the claimed goal that wouldn’t make the problem worse!

    I know that both from personal experience and from years of observation of other people.

    The only _action_ is to switch focus completely away from this problem to something more meaningful.

  • andai 20 hours ago

    My read is to relax and accept things as they are. This ironically makes you a lot more attractive.