Comment by throwaway989796

I’m in a similar position. Old manager was new, first time manager. Not bad but not great. Now we have a new manager who is neurotic and emotionally immature: micromanages everything, attacks their own people for perceived slights, technically mediocre but wants to contribute code/direction, has to have the final say on everything.

I’ve been a manager myself. Some people think I was great at it and the best manager they ever had. Others probably didn’t think highly of me. You can’t please everyone.

If you feel comfortable with this person and have good reason to believe they can take feedback: give it. You’re probably not without leverage as long as you’re known to do good work. If they’re a manager worth half their salt they will support you. Be constructive and assertive with your feedback. Let them know what behaviours are causing problems for you and what you need to change. You might be surprised by the exchange. These things can have positive outcomes.

If you don’t feel comfortable with giving feedback to this person then start a folder with their name. Screenshot every important conversation. If they have specific demands of you try and get them in writing and document what you agree to. Be petty. Out manager them. Then you can go to your skip manager and you can point out the behaviours and provide evidence for their impact on your productivity/career progression/etc.

It doesn’t help everyone in all situations but keeping a folder of letters to this person that you will never send can help blow off some steam. It might also help, in the long run, to read over them. Sometimes relationships change for the better and you might not be so angry about things that happened today as you were back then. Emotional regulation and maturity are useful tools. Don’t let them get you angry. Hopefully this folder gets fewer entries over time.

Lastly if there is no hope then what you do next might depend on your personal situation.

If you’re young and have no dependents, mortgage, etc then it’s a lot easier to find a new gig and quit ASAP. If you have the financial runway quit right away. The next gig might be 100x better but you’ll never know if you don’t take the leap.

If you’re not young or have other reasons that require you to have a stable income then you need to hunker down. Compartmentalize: leave your job at the office. Don’t go to happy hours, don’t volunteer extra work, etc. You’re there to fulfill your contractual obligations for money and benefits because people depend on you. It really helps to have a reason outside of work to keep going: friends, family, a hobby, aspirations to start your own business some day, etc. Write down that goal, the plan, etc and remind yourself of it every day. Then show up and do exactly what it required of you to the best of your abilities.

Go Star Trek with it. Offer your suggestions when asked but row with the team when your manager chooses the direction. Bad idea and they ignore your advice? It’s their bed to lie in. You’re here for the money not to feel good or have your way. You go in the direction you’re asked to go. You’re in this with the team. That’s it.

Worst case scenario: you’re burning out, being abused, don’t feel safe or threatened: get support and get out.

Also might help to get a career coach/therapist. Someone you can sound off with.