Comment by scohesc

ACE 3-4. Not very satisfied at all.

I find it hard to call what I went through "trauma" when compared to other situations people have posted - they definitely had it a lot harder than I had. It's hard to not compare your upbringing compared to other and minimize your trauma.

Anxiety, Depression, ADHD. Verbally and occasionally physically abusive father, with an emotionally absent mother and an intellectually/mentally disabled brother. If I had to draw a comparison - it was like being a kid in a family where the parents should have divorced decades ago but stayed together "for the kids".

I never felt comfortable with bringing anything about my life up with either of my parents as they'd fight and argue all the time, and they'd never really _listen_ to me when I had problems. So I absorbed myself in the internet on the computer I was given one Christmas when I was 9 years old. Not a healthy environment for a kid - 4chan, porn, etc. all had their effects on me.

Now I'm looking back through all the arguments, all the fights, all the emotional breakdowns I had, all the gaslighting, all the lies, manipulation tactics, etc. and I can't help but be depressed about it - so many times I passed the guidance councilor's office at school and thought "man, I could just walk in there and say my dad yells at us all the time, and my life could have been much different". So many times I wanted to do things but I was just too scared and didn't have a person in my life to support me.

Personally, I wouldn't say I'm successful - though that's probably because of my lack of motivation. I work remotely for a larger IT firm in eastern Canada and make okay money (Canadian economy taken into consideration), but I struggle so much with pushing myself and goal setting, time management, etc. I was never able to figure out what I really wanted to do because I was living life for my parents and not for me.

I struggle with social situations because I don't feel valued. It's hard for me to make friends (especially when you're in your late 20's early 30's), I feel like everyone has moved on with their lives and I'm still stuck here the way I'll always be - the party's over and I'm standing at the empty bar, getting in the way of the cleaners vacuuming up the floors of confetti for a party I showed up to 10 minutes before it ended.

As I get older I'm coming more and more to terms with the idea that I'll never be in any kind of relationship and/or have kids because of how messed up I am mentally - I push people away from me when they try to get close because I'm horrified of rejection. Biological clock ain't getting any younger either. I never know what to say or how to interpret things in conversation - doc says it's from my inexperience, but part of me wonders if it's a hint of Autism that's undiagnosed.

To avoid this being even more of a somewhat glorified trauma dump - for anybody else reading these situations, if you're suffering from trauma, please get help if possible. I hope there are free or low-cost options wherever you live, whether a phone hotline, support groups, etc.

You don't get to take the easy way out while the rest of us have to stay behind and suffer! ;-) /s