Comment by throwaway9543

ACE score of 4 though I think it should be 5 or higher as I lost both parents, at separate times, before I turned 18. If one parent is a single point...both parents should be scored significantly higher.

IQ in the 140-160 range (depending on the time and test), in gifted/honors/AP programs all throughout school and college.

Youngest child of a large Brady-bunch style family (6+ siblings, all half). I was the golden child, the spoiled one. The one that got their own room when everyone else had to share.

Many of my brothers and sisters had rough teenage years and some of that flowed down to me. I saw fights with brothers/sisters, between each other and my parents. Some getting physically violent.

Around 8-11 years old I was initiated into sexual play with older male, teen family(not my siblings), no adults ever touched me. Being too young to understand that was wrong, I then passed the abuse down to many other family members younger than me. It was never forced, but wrong none the less. The older ones knew better. I should have known better. The younger ones did not know any better. As far as I know they do not struggle with anything related to that now.

Father was mostly working and minimally available until I lost my mother at age 11. He went to a dark place after that and was unable to care for me, so I lived with other family. Some moderate physical abuse happened then but nothing significant.

During this time of minimal supervision I discovered the internet and porn, and became obsessed with it. It quickly devolved into consuming illegal material.

My father eventually recovered and I went back to live with him, but the seed was already planted. I've continued those bad habits throughout the majority of my life. I used to struggle with it, hating myself for it. But have come to terms with it now. It is who I am and it's not going to change.

I lost my father at 15, which was far more devastating to me emotionally than my mother (at least based on my present memory). I had grown very close to him after losing my mother and truly a piece of my heart was ripped out and is still gone to this day 15+ years later. I miss my mother, but that pales in comparison to my yearning for the time I missed out on with my father. I wish every single day of my life that he were still here. I dream about him, I can't listen to the kind of music my parents listen to. I can't go to the type of churches they went to. Any of those things just wreck my ability to cope and maintain composure. I miss him dearly.

After losing him, I lived with some family that took decent care of me after that, no real abuse but also very limited supervision especially of my online activities.

I was essentially kicked out after graduating high school and sent to live alone at the house I grew up in. I was left with a small inheritance which I was given full access to at that time, and it was gone within 2 years. I spent the next 10 years with little to no money though I did have a place to live. It was poorly maintained and became less and less safe, but kept me mostly dry.

I got in trouble during that time for my online activities (possession of CSAM) but managed to avoid prison time. I still struggle with it today but have come to peace with the attractions just being a fact of life. I have not touched any child in any inappropriate manner since I was in my early teens and will not ever again.

I am relatively successful now by most measures. I met a woman, who is now my wife, who drove me to improve myself. We now have two amazing children. Our combined income puts us in the top 5% of the US overall but we still struggle with impulse buying and living within our means. We make plenty of money but it seems we never have any to spare. We have no real assets other than our $1M house that is about 70% financed and some very small (<$100k) retirements accounts.

I'm very happy now other than the financial struggles. My wife is amazing, I cherish our kids and they are doing very well. We have strong family ties and see them often. Her parents are involved with the children, as well as some of my siblings play a grandparent role. We mostly beat the tough times and are all doing decent, financially I am doing the best out of everyone.

So like you, I would be viewed as accomplished by many, but still struggle daily. The only thing that I truly live in fear of is that something will take me away from my children and family(death or legal). A car accident. Work accident. Health issue. Some skeleton from my past rising to the surface and causing legal problems. I'm trying my best to ensure that doesn't happen, that my kids don't grow up without a father. But it is a daily fear.