{"about":"96 is not reflecting my age, I'm in my early 30s

This is a throwaway so I can be dumb and learn stuff

Career/partial life bio

Decided to trim this about down, will post pastebin links overtime

Sep 2025

Twice now my bank is overdrawn I'm tired of being poor. My own fault.

Tired of being broke, my bank account balance was at $0 one day, the next day it's -$600 after ACH went through. I hate that delay and I hate not having income aside from my job where I have to wait a couple weeks to get paid. It boils down to me not having self-control, when I'm sad and go out/waste money at the bars/clubs/strip club. Now I'm asking friends to front me so I can keep whatever I bought/not have it reverse and pay them back, it's cringe.

Ahh man it happened to me, somebody vibe coded an app and I have to work on it now/fix it/maintain it

Aug 2025

Yeah I think it's in my head. This is a good opportunity and I really need to work somewhere for a while that pays a lot. I had a 2nd feeling of wanting to leave but I realized the bigger picture. I have been drinking a lot (daily) and I need to cut back, messes up sleep pattern (feel terrible trying to work out in the morning) and mood swings. I'm actually afraid to go out (with friends to bars) because I know I will drink too much and do something dumb (namely wasting money). So I have to preemptively make myself poor so I can't spend it by dumping money into debts.

Well I decided to stay. I'm gonna just work on my finances so I'm ready if I am let go but I am in a good position. I work in the AI/innovation related stuff and they're building a new AI division so it's like, things are looking up. I just gotta get past ego and play the game.

I am scared because I am broke/in debt/poor. Why am I poor? Because I get lonely and go to a strip club, walk in throw $500 and walk out. This job is not that bad, every morning I work out, go on walks, Thursdays we drink. I only do a couple hours of work a day. Yet I'm trying to leave ha. I will get a reality check at least and see if I have value.

Decided to look for a new job even though I'm only 8 months into this one. Will see if the market is still terrible and if I'm valuable. Funny how I can't see myself being a lead, it's a self-esteem problem and also knowing where I am tech-wise. I guess I'm that 10x-1yr engineer scenario. Just annoyed with where I work, bad practices, knowledge silos, cliques/buddy-buddy people. That's probably the same everywhere but I don't feel secure here, I'm a contractor is another thing. I probably have made some indirect enemies too when I ask people tech stuff to gauge their knowledge/their current position eg. a CTO or whatever. I feel sad, I feel like I'm betraying them but at the same time I'm nobody here, I'm like a code janitor lately.

I'm giving in. I've been feeling lazy af at work. I didn't really want to deep dive into yet another AWS piece of tech so I just used the code that Google's AI summary suggested and it worked... so yeah f it. I'll start using AI more to assist me in writing code.

I had an epiphany last night. Despite my life standing (albeit not much) eg. six-fig job but almost six-fig debt, I'm poor but in terms of life not a loser eg. have my own 2BR apt and fun fast car. The main thing that makes me sad about my life is I'm not having a lot of sex with random women. I want to be the so called "Chad". But anyway I stumbled upon this older guy who has pictures of him and random younger women nude and I'm like, damn that's my hero. Anyway gives me hope like I'm still young so there is that future. I also think I'm going to get a vasectomy since I don't see myself raising a family. I want to be the guy with money that bums around, the playboy. I don't have the mindset for it currently since I'm the meek insecure guy with low self-esteem and afraid of homeless people. But for now I'll focus on getting out of debt and freeing myself from the 9-5.

It might be time to fix it (Tame Impala)\nI want to live for something not just go to work and pay bills

Funny a big problem in my life is social anxiety, with women in particular. I don't have a problem driving fast but I can't seem to overcome that ha. Soon I will get back on my debt relief goals, I haven't driven UE in a month. Need to start making that part of my life again. It's not all bad, I get to see random places and talk to people. I'm sitting here donating plasma now. Funny how I do this and make 3-4x what the other people make.

So much of the time I'm used to being in a bad state like something I'm working on needs more work. Today I get the good news something I made is 100% working and I'm like "how is this true?" looking for an explanation ha.

---

Previous mental samples

https://pastebin.com/y0R0JWBz (Jun 2025 - Jul 2025)

https://pastebin.com/k2hqR8uN (Mar 2025 - Jun 2025)

https://pastebin.com/5xCTbGsu (2023 - Mar 2025)","created_time":1474036567,"created":"9 years ago","id":"ge96","karma":1741}