{"about":"96 is not reflecting my age, I'm in my early 30s

This is a throwaway so I can be dumb and learn stuff

Career/partial life bio

Oct 2025

Got in trouble for not billing enough lol I'm like "ahh I walked 30 mins today, subtract that time from work"

I work 7 days a week right now. My 5-day six-fig day job then I drive Uber Eats on the weekends making less than half of what my day job makes ha. Uber Eats because I have a small sporty car. But I bought a couple of used lenses (each one under $300) for my camera and I feel guilty. But I also know how long it's going to take me to get out of debt (at least a year at best). Switched to drinking Vodka for weight loss, I do limit myself to 4 days a week. I have not had the passion to make things lately/write my own code or produce any videos for my YT channels. I'm kind of just stuck. I wake up feeling this sense of dread and I'm just in this pattern of work/pay bills/sleep/repeat. I at least have been working out but recently since I've put on mass (shoulders in particular) I have troubles sleeping now since my shoulders fall asleep and I have to roll around. Still alone too no gf haven't hid the bishop fr fr in 11 years crazy.

It is in my head, I have my own charms, I'm that weird likeable guy, but anyway I believe in merit. But yeah I'll keep going till I can't. You could say I have a drinking problem but I'm locked in, work and pay off debt.

Ehh I decided to stick it out.

I'm bound by money and it sucks.

Today was bad, my mgr the way he talks to me it's like interrogation and it triggers me. I get choked up/freeze and then I just look stupid. I can't answer. That shouldn't be the only reason to leave but idk. I feel guilty/bad like I'm screwing these people over by leaving but then again due to silos I'm also nobody.

Ehh it's tough because I feel like an asshole for living and I may destroy this team by the drama I create. I just shouldn't feel stressed out (pressure in solarplex) when talking to someone. I believe they refer to that as being triggered.

I think I need to get out while I can. I also feel like I'm dying as a developer where I work it's a no-tests kind of place and silos. The fact that I feel this stressed out talking to someone probably not good. Yeah I have to commit, it's been tainted. Pros to the job but I can get them elsewhere. I hate how vulnerable I am where I have no money.

Ego is the name of the game, I gotta just let it ride, work on getting out of debt.

The biggest problem in my life is not getting laid. I want to know what I think about when I get past that.

It's so funny I cry about having problems with women but I get paid to sit on my ass and make six-figs like damn life is not bad. I literally went to a bar at lunch to get some drinks and then just watched YouTube for an entire day. That's the thing I haven't owned it yet (being a playboy) so it's always in my mind and triggers FOMO when I see couples out or people partying. It's not like I haven't had the chance/experienced it in the past. I literally lived in a frat house and women would just come over almost daily. I just became a weird person where I started to lock my door and pretend I wasn't home.

I have a future here at this company, might be working on hardware soon.

Went to a paid company business dinner last night and had catered breakfast/lunch. Two more days of that for the AI group I'm in. Pretty nice.

You could say I'm winning if I didn't have the problem of inability to speak to attractive women (since I see them as a target) it's like my biggest problem in life I want to change. I want to be the rizz man.

Funny later the same day I am having drinks with her at a bar.

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Previous mental samples

https://pastebin.com/TWXHkyFZ (Aug 2025 - Sep 2025) -$80K NW

https://pastebin.com/y0R0JWBz (Jun 2025 - Jul 2025) -$80K NW

https://pastebin.com/k2hqR8uN (Mar 2025 - Jun 2025) -$80K NW

https://pastebin.com/5xCTbGsu (2023 - Mar 2025) -$80K NW","created_time":1474036567,"created":"9 years ago","id":"ge96","karma":1856}